Intermission: Stretch the Ol' Legs and What Not

No ranting this week. I attended Tidewater Community College's (TCC) commencement ceremony on Thursday, December 20, 2012. All of the speakers were dull and uninspiring. My attention waxed and waned like porn star pubes. I managed to tune in to a few speeches and what follows are my thoughts on them.

Congressman Scott Rigell was booked as the Commencement Speaker but was unable to attend due to an "emergency Fiscal Cliff" vote (which never came to fruition). He was replaced at the last minute by a forgettable local sexagenarian businessman, TCC alumni, and obvious Caucasian whose name I escapes me because I didn't care. If white people had a James Brown - someone that exudes whiteness - it would be this guy. In spite of his appearance he repeatedly referred to himself as the "Last of the Mohicans", a metaphor to illustrate how both academics and business have changed since he attended TCC. I had never really thought about how much 18th century Indians* and 20th century businessmen had in common but I must say he was spot on. 

1. I believe it was Powhatan who said "People are definitely a company's greatest asset. It doesn't make any difference whether the product is cars or cosmetics. A company is only as good as the people it keeps."
2. The Narraganssett once intentionally misreported the amount pelts in supply and, as a result, several of its people froze to death during an early onset of winter. Fortunately, Chief Enron had an abundance of pelts to trade and thus made huge profits which he shared with no one. 
3. Lastly, who can forget the great merger of the Seneca, Mohawk, Cayuga, Oneida, and Onondaga tribes? It created a monopoly that the British had to break up shortly after the French and Indian War. In their few years of existence they revolutionized workers' rights by inventing casual Fridays and boosted morale by creating and instituting an annual office Christmas party. It was said that what happened at an Iroquois office Christmas party...was mostly a lot of crying over litter.

They made certain to mention this honky was TCC alumni. I assumed they failed to mention the 4-year degree he also likely attained from another school. It turned out he did have additional education, a "Mini-MBA". I didn't even know such a thing existed. It is less than 100 hours of of class time focusing on business fundamentals that yields no college credit or certification. Essentially, it is a 5 weekend business seminar and at the end you get a something official sounding for a resume. TCC didn't dwell on the mini-MBA and, of course, focused on tooting their own horn.

His alumni status and wealth were the only reasons he was asked to speak. How do I know he is wealthy? If they put the average TCC graduate up there to regale the audience with tales of middle management it would make the graduates feel like they wasted their money. They have to spring for the anomal rich alum. He is the TCC equivalent of a Horatio Alger story.

The only other speech that I caught was that of the student speaker. I'm not going to make light of her accomplishment. She was graduating with a 4.0 GPA and that is a hell of a feat in any institution. That being said, I would compare her speech to an episode of MTV's Teen Mom, dull, uninsightful, and poorly read. She first made it clear that she had "made some mistakes in her past" and later informed us of her intent to pursue a Bachelor's degree in Psychology with a focus on Drug Counseling so she could "help other addicts". Telling a Convocation Center full of strangers you are a recovering drug addict is a hell of an N.A. meeting. In truth it wasn't even anonymous because her full name was listed in the program. Although I could be reading too much into her words, I'm not the only one that drew that conclusion. It seems like someone with a 4.0 GPA would have removed the word "other" when editing their speech so as not to label/mislabel themselves. If she is a recovering addict I seriously doubt she wanted everyone to know.

That's all.

P.S. Did you know TCC has an alma mater? I have two degrees from the school and was unaware. The phrase "TCC" (not Tidewater Community College, but TCC) is sung dramatically in verse. It was so moving I began laughing in the middle of the song. 



* I call them Indians because, as I understand it, they prefer that to "Native American" which uses a name white   
   people gave their land after conquering them.